


Build God Then We'll Talk.

by belpott



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Religion, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 16:42:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11444883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belpott/pseuds/belpott
Summary: Tyler was 13 the first time he had questioned God.Tyler was 17 the first time he met Josh.





	Build God Then We'll Talk.

Tyler was 13 the first time he had questioned God. 13 years old. Up to the age of 13 he had always followed what he knew. He went to church almost every Sunday, attended a class at his church, joined a Youth Group for his church, and even volunteered to sing in the church Choir. The boy had never really thought about it up to that point. His faith had always been with him, he didn’t really listen to the readings, or prayers, or even his teachers because God was really all he knew. Why question him?

He can remember the first time he had ever really questioned God. It was 13, in class, learning about slavery. Listening to the torture that hurt so many people. The way that they had to live, being treated like that. Tyler just saw it as another horrible thing that humans created, until Brendon Urie, from the back of the room snorts, “If God were real, why would he design humans to let this happen?”  It was probably meant to be quiet, but everyone in the last 3 rows must have heard it. All of the other students seemed to ignore it. Years of teachings caused him to yearn to defend God, his father. Somebody who had been there his whole life, but the thing was. He couldn’t. As the rest of the class continued reading Tyler kept thinking. Why would God ever let this happen? Love was what God taught, and peace but he made people to act like this.

     Tyler thought about this for the rest of the day. He couldn’t shake the thought, but as he got home he couldn’t bring himself to ask the question. His parents would probably know the answer, but Tyler couldn’t ask. Mom and dad’s voices ran through his head, don’t question your creator.

    

 Tyler was 14 the first time he wrote about his struggles. There was nobody to ask these questions to since they aren’t natural. God created us. Maybe he has reasons to all of this. After just getting home from a religion class with a teacher who continually droned on and on about God, and Jesus, and their savior. Listening was hard, the excitement in his teacher’s voice couldn’t rub off on him. It made no sense. None of this helped him in any way whatsoever, and as he looked around he saw no confusion in the other kids faces. They all seemed to understand, like they knew and were all in on a secret that Tyler hadn’t caught up on.

     He couldn’t stop thinking, he was thinking too much. He remembered the hatred at school in God’s name. If it all made sense why were they doing it in God’s name. Maybe on paper these thoughts would get together, maybe they’d make more sense. With a flick of his pencil he begins scribbling down, not bothering to stop. He repeats words he’s stuck on as he goes, the young boy may seem crazy but it all made sense to him.

> _Is there any proof that God exists? There has never been any proof that God exists yet so many people believe. Why why why is it because they need something to kids behind, to satisfy their abuse and hatred hatred hatred whether God exists or not there shouldn’t be hatred whether you believe in the same God or not why does it matter we’re all humans and every God says that so let’s treat everybody equally. God doesn’t excuse your behavior._

     As Tyler reads back his thoughts he imagines himself in an arena, reading them out to hundreds of people. He imagines all of the people truly listening. Maybe it’s in a time where he finally learns what everybody else has, and is confident. In his vision he understands. He truly believes. He hopes that the people listening are being moved by his words. Maybe not these words exactly.  
     Tyler decides that writing out his feelings help.

 

     Tyler is 16 when he stops writing god with a capital G. He doesn’t exactly do it on purpose. As he’s writing out an entry into his journal, about half way through he drops the capital.

> _I i i i dont even try anymore god help me im supposed to know know know how can you be real when i dont get it please please please help show me youre there im scared_

A few days later as Tyler reads through the messy handwriting and tear stains he notices the lack of capital G’s. He doesn’t bother to fix it.

     Tyler is 17 when he meets the brown haired puppy. He see’s him first as he’s scribbling in his Algebra notebook, listening to Jenna drone on and on about something he doesn’t really care about. His friends laugh with Jenna as Tyler doodles. Tyler looks up to see a boy standing there, he’s snapping quietly at his side as he looks around nervously. His eyes not making contact with anybody in the room. Tyler can’t help but stare at the boy, in his Nasa T-shirt, and jeans. Tyler wants to help the boy relax. He wants to be there for the boy. The boy that doesn’t even have a name to him. While Tyler’s swept up in his own world, thinking about talking to him, somebody else beats him. Brendon Urie. Brendon Urie walks up to him, a large grin across his face, he holds out his hand and shakes the smaller boys hand. Tyler stares at the interaction. The other kid nods as Brendon speaks to him, and even as he walks to Brendons seat the kid continues snapping and looks as if he’s in his own world.

     Tyler sees the boy looking around nervously at lunch. He can’t help but smile warmly as he sees the brown haired kid from his first hour. Tyler excuses himself from his lunch table, only Jenna wondering where he’s going. As he approaches the kid standing in the front of the room he smiles brightly. “H-hi, I’m Tyler.” Tyler has no idea where the stuttering came from there. The other boy’s eyes sweep over at him before he reaches his hand out,  
     “Josh, I’m new here.” Josh informs him, his voice shaking a bit as he looks around the loud lunch room, filled with yells. Tyler nods and shakes Josh’s hand.

     “If you’re not sitting with anyone, you could sit with my friends. They won’t even notice us so you don’t have to worry about that.” Tyler motions towards his normal lunch table, he can see his friends exchanging quiet conversation. Josh chews on the inside of his mouth and Tyler can’t help but wonder if for some reason his cheek tastes good. He seems to chew quite a lot. Josh takes a deep breath and nods,  
     “Lead the way.” He smiles lightly, and Tyler can’t help but notice the way his eyes crinkle slightly. He wonders how it would look if he genuinely smiles.

     “Everybody, this is Josh.” Tyler announces as he reaches his table. Chris and Nick both wave before continuing in the deep conversation they’re in. Jack, Jonathan, and Brianna all introduce themselves to him. Josh smiles kindly at them as he sits down next to Jenna. Jenna turns to Josh and smiles,  
     “I’m Jenna, how do you feel about dogs?” Jenna smiles at Josh and stares expectantly. That’s Jenna, one of the friendliest people in the world. She will start up a conversation with almost anybody, she immediately pulls them in with her bright blue eyes, and honey blonde hair. Tyler loves his best friend. Josh looks to Tyler, almost for confirmation that it’s okay to talk to her. Tyler nods slightly before Josh looks towards her,  
     “Dogs are cool, I’m more of a cat person though.” And that’s how Josh, Jenna, and Tyler get into an in depth conversation about dogs and cats. That’s also how Tyler was able to see Josh’s smile reach almost all the way to his eyes as he shows them pictures of his two cats, Albus, and Skully.

  
     Two months later was the first time Tyler truly began to question his sexuality. It was a Friday night after school, and Josh is over at Tyler’s house. It’s the first time either of them have been to the other’s house, and they’re sitting in Tyler’s basement, playing Mario Kart. With Tyler on a losing streak (7-1) Josh is staring at the TV screen, his tongue is sticking out of his mouth as he stares at the screen, focused. Winning this round is essential. 8-1 would just be embarrassing. They’re on the last lap and Josh is about to win. Without thinking, Tyler reaches his hand out and tickles Josh’s stomach. He’s not actually expecting it to work but he can try. A squeal echoes through the basement and Josh swerves out of first place. Tyler grins and continues tickling him, he still has one hand on the controller. Squirming and wiggling, Josh thrashes wildly, trying to get away from his friend’s hand. Finally, in the last stretch, Josh swerves off road once again and Tyler takes over, crossing the finish line. Yelling triumphantly Tyler drops his controller.

     “I win!” He shouts and jumps up, grinning wildly. He’s proud of his second win. Josh pouts slightly, still getting the laugh out of his system. He laughs as he watches Tyler dance around the room, gloating over his win.

     “You cheated!” Josh points a finger accusingly. Tyler shakes his head.

     “I did no such thing!” He stands still and crosses his arms across his chest.

     “You tickled me!” Josh laughs at how ridiculous Tyler looks as he dances around the room wildly, shaking his butt. He grins fondly at the younger boy in front of him.

     “So?” Tyler runs back to the couch, “Lighten up.” He giggles and puts his hand on his friend’s stomach again, tickling mercilessly. Josh starts to laugh, his smile finally reaches his eyes and Tyler’s heart soars. Josh gasps for air as he wiggles around under Tyler’s hand. Tyler doesn’t want to stop. He wants to see this smile for the rest of his life. He doesn’t think he could ever get sick of Josh’s squinty eyes and white teeth. Tyler can’t help but want to spend the rest of his life with this boy. As Josh tries to swat Tyler’s hands away Tyler almost want’s to kiss the older boy. He wonders how Josh would react to that. Tyler’s eyes widen as he realizes that he’s thinking about kissing a boy. He pulls his hand away like Josh had burned him. Josh’s laughs fade out as Tyler stares at the couch.

     How could he want to do that? Boys kissing boys is not okay. Tyler takes in a shaky breath as he stares at the couch more, he can’t bring himself to look at Josh. It was wrong. Liking Josh was wrong, wanting to kiss Josh was wrong. How could he ever let God in if he thought about kissing boys? Tyler can feel his stomach drop as he realizes what he had done. God must be so disappointed. Tyler want’s to cry, after all he had done to get god to know him and now here he goes, disappointing him. Tyler’s fingers itch for a pencil, he wants to write. He needs to write down his thoughts, but he can’t, not when his friend is sitting there next to him.

     “Hey Ty, you okay?” Josh snaps his fingers in front of Tyler’s face. Tyler is snapped out of his thoughts. He nods, still not looking at his friend. He’s staring at the corner of the couch. He can’t disappoint God in this way.

     “Yeah, let’s play another round.” He picks up his controller and waits for Josh to get ready. Josh stares for a few seconds, trying to figure out if Tyler will be okay. He decides to let him rest and looks to the TV again. Tyler can’t push these thoughts from his mind for the rest of the night.

  
     A month after that is the first time Tyler ever talked about any of this. Him and Jenna are laying down on the floor in her room, Tyler on his phone and Jenna looking through a magazine. They do this quite often when at each other’s houses, where they each do their own thing and ignore each other until one wants to talk. Tyler scrolls through Josh’s instagram for the 6th time that day, looking at his pictures. He can’t shake the thoughts of kissing the brown haired boy. As soon as he thinks about it again he snaps the rubber band on his wrist to stop himself.

     “What’s wrong, Ty?” Jenna asks, dropping the magazine and setting her head on her hands. She’s laying on her stomach so her and Tyler can make eye contact. Tyler stares at her, confused, “You’ve snapped that rubber band 20 times in the last 10 minutes and I know that means something’s wrong.” She tells him. He contemplates telling her about Josh before he turns off his phone and sits cross legged, Jenna following his moves, looking at him. He tugs on his hair before he begins talking,  
     “What’s your views on homosexuality?” He asks bluntly, taking Jenna by surprise. Jenna blinks before thinking. Tyler waits patiently, messing with his fingers.

     “Well I’ve never really thought about it I guess. Why?” She looks at him so kindly that his heart hurts. He wouldn’t be able to stand it if she were to hate him. He lets out a shaky breath.  
     “Doesn’t the bible say it’s wrong?” Tyler asks, and Jenna just shrugs,  
“I mean, I guess. But Tyler the bible’s hard to understand. Why are you asking?” She asks calmly, trying to make eye contact with Tyler, who looks around quickly.

“Doesn’t God love everyone? I mean-” Tyler starts to sit on his knees before Jenna cuts him off by grabbing his wrist and sitting him down in front of her. He lets out a sigh before Jenna grabs both of his hands and pulls him to where their knees are touching. She holds onto his hands and they set them on her knees, still intertwined.

“Do you see our hands?” Tyler nods, “As long at these we’re both holding hands, everything said here is a secret.” Tyler let’s out a breath, he can see where this is going. “As long as we are holding hands, nobody will ever know what we talked about, okay? Now please Tyler, tell me what’s on your mind.” Jenna coaxes calmly. Tyler just takes a shaky breath and nods.

“It’s just that…” Tyler trails off before looking Jenna in the eyes, “Josh is so pretty.” He says, and immediately Jenna’s eyes shine in recognition. “But isn’t it wrong to find another guy pretty? I shouldn’t want to kiss another guy, Jen.” Tears well up in his eyes, but he doesn’t dare break their secret bond by pulling their hands apart. Jenna takes a moment to digest this, before picking out her words carefully.

“I want to kiss a guy. I find guys pretty.” She tells him and Tyler bites at the inside of his mouth (a habit he picked up from Josh) before shrugging,  
“You’re a girl, Jenna. That’s different.” He tells her. She scoffs,  
“How is it so different?” Tyler rolls his eyes, “Look, Tyler. I get that it’s scary. But how is it so different? If it’s okay for me to kiss a guy then why is it so wrong for you?” Tyler looks down, the tears fall slowly. He’s not crying just because he’s scared, but he’s crying from gratitude that his best friend doesn’t care.

“God said it’s wrong.” Tyler doesn’t look up.

“God loves everyone. God said not to judge, he said to love your neighbor. You’ve done nothing wrong.” Jenna tells him. Tyler’s so thankful that he has Jenna. “Let’s look it up!” Jenna suggests and breaks their hands apart. Tyler gasps and grabs for her hands quickly. He can’t have anyone else knowing. Jenna realizes what he means as he stares at her pleadingly. Jenna smiles and throws her arms around her friend tightly. Tyler buries his head in her hands.

“Tyler Robert Joseph. I promise you that I will always be here for you. I love you so much, Ty. Being here for you requires me keeping this secret, even if we discuss it without holding hands.” He nods and sniffs lightly, “Any other time we talk and you don’t want to tell anyone what it is then feel free to hold my hands, but right now let’s try and figure this out.” He nods and pulls away, wiping at his eyes.  
“Thank you.” Tyler tells her. She just smiles and nods before continuing to look it up.

 

While Tyler’s walking home he feels more a bit confident about himself. He found many articles written by gay Christians. There were also many about why it’s okay to be gay. He still can’t admit to himself that he’s gay but baby steps. He’s walking home, smiling to himself when he hears his name being called. He turns around quickly to see Josh standing with a group of people at the park. Josh is facepalming as Brendon Urie waves like a madman. Tyler shouts out a greeting and waves back. Brendon jumps up and cheers.

“Come up here!” Brendon shouts and Tyler’s heart starts beating as Josh looks up hopefully. Tyler only really knows Josh out of this group. Him and Josh may be friends but he had never really talked to his other friends. He wants to turn the other way, but he can’t when he see’s Josh smile. He shrugs and walks up to them, smiling kindly.

“Hi Tyler, I’m guessing you know that I’m Brendon!” Brendon grins and shakes his hand. It was a good guess since they’ve gone to the same school since kindergarden.  “Josh talks about you a lot but we’ve never had the pleasure of actually talking.” Tyler looks to Josh, he talks about him?

“Yeah, guess we never really had a chance.” Tyler shrugs, but Brendon seems to be working at his own pace.

“This is Gerard, Frank, Ashley, Patrick, Pete, and Andy.” Brendon points down the line and Tyler nods to them all. They all let out a greeting to him.

“Nice to meet you all, what are you guys doing?” Tyler asks, curiously. He notices Josh snapping again.

“Well, we’re-” Brendon starts before he’s slapped on the back of the head by Pete.  
  
“Shut up Brendon and let Josh talk.” He exclaims before turning to Tyler and speaking, “Sorry, he gets wild when Dallon isn’t here to calm him down.” Tyler nods before Josh starts to talk.

“We’re just hanging out, wanna join?” Tyler looks down at his shoes, deciding whether he should join them. He wants to hang out with Josh but at the same time he wants to get home to write. Tyler raises his head to look at Josh, who seems nervous for the answer. Tyler just wants that smile again. He grins and nods his head. Josh’s eyes light up and Brendon says something before walking forward. Tyler and Josh smiles at each other as they follow behind Josh’s friends.

“So, Tyler.” Josh snaps his fingers at his side. Now that Tyler knows that’s a nervous tick he looks at Josh, concerned for his bros well-being. Josh is looking at the ground, he still has the remnants of a smile on his face.

“Josh.” Tyler smiles, dragging out the ’sh’ sound for effect. Josh giggles as the group continues walking. Ashley randomly breaks into a sprint causing the brown haired boy to look away from his friend.

“Last one to the playground is straight!” Everyone immediately breaks into a run, laughing and pushing each other like children. Everyone except Tyler and Josh who stare at one another. Tyler in shock and Josh in fear. Fear of what Tyler will think. Tyler stares for a few more seconds, remembering the events at Jenna’s house. Finally he grins and looks forward at the group of teenagers who are still running, not too far ahead.

“Come on now.” He teases Josh before running towards the playground. Josh gasps then starts running after Tyler, a loud laugh escaping his mouth as he catches up and pushes Tyler slightly.  
The boys continues racing. Their other friends watch fondly as the two laugh loudly, pushing each other, not enough to actually hurt.

Tyler reaches the playground first, jumping up enough to land on the ladder. The other group cheers as Josh throws his hat down jokingly.

“I thought you were a super straight tough guy, Tyler?” Patrick asks quietly, smiling over to Josh who perks up at the question slightly.

Tyler’s chest tightens at this question. His throat gets all scratchy so he coughs before answering, hoping that his voice doesn’t betray him,  
“I am,” Tyler answers, “I’m just also very competitive.” They all laugh at that. Tyler not noticing the look of disappointment crossing Josh’s face.

That night Tyler’s writing has a happier tone to it.

  
Over the next few weeks Tyler and Jenna hang out with Josh’s friend group more and more. For the first time in his life, Tyler is not really paying attention to what people may think about his decisions. He begins smiling more and writing less. He doesn’t necessarily feel closer to God but, he can put that off.

“Hey Ty?” Josh addresses him one night as Tyler and Josh are lounging on Tyler’s bedroom floor. Tyler looks over to Josh and smiles slightly at the nickname.

“Yeah?” He keeps their eye contact,

  
“You good?” Josh asks, searching Tyler’s face for an answer. Tyler can feel the seriousness of the question wash over him.

He considers the weight if the question. He remembers those nights that he sat in his bed, tears running down his face, praying for help. He glances to his bedside drawer, where his notebook lay, waiting for another rough night, another night of him pouring his soul into it. He only hesitates because of those times. Now, he has a new group of friends who love him. He still has his old friends, who also love him. He thinks about Jenna, and Josh, and Patrick, and Pete, and Ryan, and Brittany, and Jonathon, and Jack. He thinks about how happy he’s been recently.        
“Yeah, I think I’m good.” He smiles.

He may not be close to God, but maybe one day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello I hope you enjoyed this. The second and last chapter will hopefully be out soon, and will probably be longer than this one. Comment what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> I may add another chapter later on so if you wanna see that subscribe but for now its completed.


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